The end of the world, the only way out


I have heard it said that around the time of the end of the world or apocalypse, whether it be natural or supernatural, that the living will envy the dead because of the suffering they will experience. As I write this, there is no type of apocalypse happening on planet earth but it is the end of the world for me and undoubtedly for many more around the world suffering in many different ways.

This is where taking antidepressants has brought me to. I feel that when I took those medications I was preyed upon and I realize now that people prey on people all the time, everywhere. Of course that is obvious but sometimes it can be hard to realize and accept, especially in a well off country where usually people don’t get a serious dose of reality and judgement can be clouded by media, culture, art, etc.
I have been off the medication for almost 4 years and I have not improved. Aside from chronic sexual dysfunction I also have severely disrupted sleep patterns, unable to sleep for more than 3 hours at a time, difficulty concentrating, learning anything new and memorizing. I was duped into paying money for pills because I was unhappy and insecure. I was trying to buy happiness. I could not help it, it was my upbringing and life to that point that steered me to the evil clutch of psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry.
I felt angry and still do about what has happened. I feel despairing and suicidal, especially since the start of 2012. I thought I wasn’t serious about the suicide, until a few months ago I realized something.
I realize now that I envy the dead and bizzarely I envy the dead who had ‘better’ predators than me. Let me explain what I mean by ‘better’. The pills I took have destroyed my life but I am still alive. If they had killed me, I wouldn’t be in the living hell I’m now in. I am however still alive and faced with two choices, continue on living my miserable, shameful life as a going nowhere semi-castrate, semi-lobotomized freak for decades to come or kill myself.
This is why I now envy dead people and even some people who were murdered because when they were preyed upon, that was it and they weren’t left to hang around and choose between having a terrible quality of life or commit suicide. An example of what I mean was recently I was watching a fictional tv show. It was a crime drama in an urban setting. In one scene a hitman murdered two people by shooting them. It was something to do with the drug trade. The hitman obviously was the predator and the victims the prey. The hitman killed the people for money to survive just like animals hunt other animals to survive. I envied the murdered people because it was all over in a flash for them. They had a better predator than me, by better I don’t mean nicer or anything like that but they died easier than I will. Even though the example is fictional, obviously there are countless real examples, I just can’t think of any off the top of my head.
I now truly envy the dead, it is the end of the world for me. I cannot and will not live on like this.

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